A TYPICAL DAY IN THE LIFE OF OSAMA
(from 'The Late Show With David Letterman,' 12/11/01)
7:00 A.M. -- He wakes up, he asks his assistant, "Am I still
8:00 A.M. -- Has a nutritious breakfast of sand and dirt.
10:30 A.M. -- He takes his camel in for a tune-up at Mazar-E-Sharif Amoco.
11:30 A.M. -- Has trouble opening jar of peanut butter; declares jihad
1:00 P.M. -- Tae-Bo.
1:30 P.M. -- Records a video demanding America surrender or else he'll
another video demanding America surrender.
2:30 P.M. -- He's a celebrity judge at a wet burqa contest.
3:00 P.M. -- Picks Mullah Omar's name in this year's "Secret
4:00 P.M. -- Turns on CNN to closely study the moves of his opponents.
bored, switches to "Oprah."
5:00 P.M. -- Gets scolded for not taking out the trash by wives 3, 8 and
9:00 P.M. -- Plots strategy for upcoming week: cower underground like a
MIDNIGHT -- Kiss family goodnight, kiss butt goodbye.