A TYPICAL DAY IN THE LIFE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN
(from 'The Late Show With David Letterman,' 12/11/01)

7:00 A.M. -- He wakes up, he asks his assistant, "Am I still alive?"

8:00 A.M. -- Has a nutritious breakfast of sand and dirt.

10:30 A.M. -- He takes his camel in for a tune-up at Mazar-E-Sharif Amoco.

11:30 A.M. -- Has trouble opening jar of peanut butter; declares jihad against
Skippy.

1:00 P.M. -- Tae-Bo.

1:30 P.M. -- Records a video demanding America surrender or else he'll make
another video demanding America surrender.

2:30 P.M. -- He's a celebrity judge at a wet burqa contest.

3:00 P.M. -- Picks Mullah Omar's name in this year's "Secret Santa" drawing.

4:00 P.M. -- Turns on CNN to closely study the moves of his opponents. Gets
bored, switches to "Oprah."

5:00 P.M. -- Gets scolded for not taking out the trash by wives 3, 8 and 16.

9:00 P.M. -- Plots strategy for upcoming week: cower underground like a spooked
rat.

MIDNIGHT -- Kiss family goodnight, kiss butt goodbye.